Why You Should Never Apologize for Crying

Adapted from Sheryl Paul:

I am a crier. I cried all through teacher training. I cried throughout my wedding (and the rehearsal). I have always been sensitive and emotional. While I have never viewed it as weakness, through some very humble teachings from two of my teachers, Ally Bogard and Jana Derges, I have found a way to hold space amidst this sensitivity. Please read on to find out more about the power of emotion and the essential release of tears.

I'm both surprised and saddened when a client starts to cry and then says, "I'm sorry." As crying is as much a part of life as the creek running through my backyard, it takes me a half a second to catch up to the concept of apologizing for tears. Do we apologize for laughing? Do we apologize for feeling excited? Where, oh where, did we learn to apologize for crying?

Well, it's not a difficult question to answer. The vast majority of my clients—and the human population—grew up with the very clear message that crying wasn't welcome or even tolerable. "Get over it" was the message that most kids were—and still are—raised with.

If you're a parent who hasn't embraced your own pain, who still views pain through the lens of shame that you absorbed when you were a child, you can't possibly create an environment in which your child feels safe to cry. The message of shame is passed down through the generations until someone's anxiety becomes so intolerable that they must break open and find compassion for their pain.

Among the many gifts of anxiety, learning to embrace your pain is among the most potent and far-reaching in terms of the effects it has on one's well-being, relationships, and current or future children. It is the stored pain that often underlies the pervasive anxiety and intrusive thoughts that torture millions of people in our culture.

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When you can access the pain and allow it to bring you into your heart and body, the mind-chatter naturally quiets and eventually falls away completely.

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In order to access the pain you first need to examine the messages that have been downloaded about crying and then ask yourself if you believe that those messages are true. Do you believe that "crying is weak"? Do you believe that, perhaps, there's a profound strength in allowing yourself to be touched enough by life that it opens you to tears? Do you believe that you'll cry too hard that you'll never stop? Or do you trust that crying, like all forms of grief, has its own timetable and that once you've emptied the well you'll be able to get up and go about your day?

The well may fill up again the next day, or even the next hour, but you will not fall into a depression because you've let yourself feel your pain. In fact, it's when you squash your pain that it either silences into depression or wiggles out through anxiety. The beliefs you carry about pain are old, false, and need to be discarded before you can allow yourself to open to what's living in your heart.

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There's such richness and beauty in crying.

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When a client feels safe enough to open those floodgates and allows me to witness the most vulnerable place in her heart, I feel honored. There are no words in that place. I sit and breathe and allow and hold the space for the tears to move through at their own pace. It's sacred space. It's real space. It's some of the most fulfilling and interesting work that I do as it is energy that arises directly from the center of a person's soul. The mind chatter is gone. The quest to explain this or that falls away. It's raw, honest and alive.

Never, ever apologize for your tears. Do your work so that you can blast through the veil of shame that tells you crying is weak or bad in any way. Your pain is your strength. When you apologize, you dam up the current that's trying pass through. Let those waters flow. Allow someone to be witness to your pain. It's how we heal, and it how we find our way to wholeness.

Why We Lie & Three Ways to Stop

 

Adapted from Ally Hamilton, and inspired (for me, Brandon Jacobs), by Jana Derges.

I teach on all kinds of things but most importantly I teach on self-love, self-appreciation and self-worth. We need to stop hiding who we are and what we believe in and speak truth: hard, authentic truth.

There are all kinds of reasons people lie but at the root of most of them is fear. Too many people go through life holding back or sacrificing their deepest desires and true intimacy because they're afraid to say and live what's true for them.

Sometimes people lie because they don't want to hurt someone else. Sometimes it's because they want to do what they want to do, and don't want to have to factor in someone else's feelings. And sometimes it's because they've done something they wish they hadn't and want to rewrite history. Or keep things as they are.

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People lie when they feel threatened or trapped. The thing is, if you want people to know you, understand you, and love you for who you are, you have to be willing to show yourself. And lying is a way of keeping yourself hidden.

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Here are three ways to pull back the veil and free yourself so you can live in a way that feels good.

1. Know yourself.

This is really the key. If you don't know what lights you up, what will bring you peace and joy and give your life meaning and purpose, there's no internal GPS to follow. Without that it feels like we're walking in the dark, bumping into things or people, hurting ourselves or others inadvertently.

Follow the pull of your heart and listen to your intuition. Neither of those will steer you in the wrong direction. Don't worry about logic or practicality for just a little while, simply allow yourself to move toward those things that fulfill you and give you the sense of being in the flow. For me it was yoga; for you it might be something completely different. (And I'm not talking about breaking commitments to people or shirking your responsibilities, I'm simply saying give yourself permission to explore pursuits that bring you joy.) Recognize that in order to do this you may need to make big changes in your life.

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When we've been flying blind, it's likely we've landed ourselves in relationships and jobs that have nothing to do with that inner yes. Tell the people closest to you that you're feeling the need to change things up. That you aren't happy in that deep way, and that you're trying to get to know yourself. Understand that some people may feel threatened, but no one can fault you for trying to find some peace and meaning if you haven't already. Life is short, after all.

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2. Face reality as it is.

As you get to know yourself in a profound way it's very possible you will realize there are areas in your life that don't fit anymore. If it's a relationship this realization can be brutal but it's probably something you've known for a long time and haven't wanted to face. Sometimes we lie to ourselves and those are the most painful lies. Betraying what's true for you at your core is the deepest rejection there is. There's no way to feel connected or seen or understood by anyone else if you aren't even able to do those things for yourself. A relationship or a job that is crushing you is like dead weight on your heart; it's hard to breathe.

Sometimes people tell me they're living in pain because they don't want to hurt the other people in their lives. The thing is, everyone deserves to be truly loved. If you're in a relationship with someone and you're just going through the motions, do you think the other person can't feel that on some level? I don't believe anyone would thank you for staying out of guilt or pity. If there are children involved then you work like hell to save it. You do anything and everything in your power to right the ship. You work to see if something true and beautiful, even if it's a glimmer of something that existed years and years ago, can be fed.

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Remember: you don't do anyone any favors by being a martyr. You can't nurture anything or anyone, including yourself, in a dead environment. And that's what happens when we deny our own reality. Something within us starts to wither and die, and the roots begin to shrivel.

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3. Respect people enough to tell them the truth.

There are big lies and little lies. If your old Aunt Marge knits you a horrendous hat for Christmas, of course you thank her. You might even wear the hat when you see her because that's what love looks like sometimes.  But I know so many people who lie because they don't want to have a painful conversation. It can be about small stuff, like something they want to buy but know their partner wouldn't support, like an expensive pair of shoes or jeans or a new toy.

When you do something behind someone's back you know what you've done, whether or not you get away with it. You have to live with the fact that you've done something sneaky and that's not going to make you feel good about yourself. You put on those sneaky jeans or pair of shoes, and say they're really old when your partner comments on them. And now you have to live with your sneaky self. And that energy permeates a relationship.

Now you've hidden a relatively small thing; what else might you hide next? An email flirtation, tea with a "friend" you like in a way that scares you? Once you start hiding from the people closest to you it's only a matter of time before you feel very alone; it becomes hard to trust yourself, to trust in your goodness, in your ability to be kind to yourself and to the people in your life. There are some things you don't need to share, of course. If you see someone in line at the grocery store and you think they're attractive, you don't need to go home and tell your partner; that's called being human.

If you have an energy building with someone at work you need to talk about it, sooner rather than later. An uncomfortable conversation, while painful and not desirable, is still so much better than an emotional betrayal that you allow to grow. You're better off regrouping, whether it's something small or something big.

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Speaking your truth or honoring your truth doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want. Sometimes there's confusion about that in the spiritual community. It means you have the painful conversations. It means you acknowledge what's in your heart and then decide together what to do about it. That's called integrity, and that will make you feel good about yourself, even if the process isn't fun sometimes.

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Life is not easy. It's beautiful and heartbreaking and frequently awe-inspiring, but it isn't easy. Being a human being with all your history and all your experiences, with the particular lens through which you look is a vulnerable undertaking indeed.  You make things a lot easier for yourself and for all the people in your life when you live in a way that opens your heart.  You simply can't do that if you're denying your deepest truths.

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"Three things cannot long be hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth."

(This is not a direct quote from the Buddha, it's paraphrased. Truth! :)

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Featured Teacher: Jennie Toshach

 

Meet Jennie Toshach. Yoga instructor at Yogalife North, Sub at Yogalife South. Teaches Hot Flow & Beginner's Hot Flow.

Since being introduced to yoga seven years ago, Jennie Toshach immediately fell in love with the practice. Having struggled with anxiety and seeing the difference yoga made in her own life she made it her goal to become part of the culture, and make a career doing what she loves - spreading positive energy.

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"I was suffering from anxiety and found that yoga was the best cure. So i got drawn into practising and wanted to share it with others." - Jennie Toshach

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Receiving her intensive training with Moksha Yoga in Montreal 2010 she immediately began putting her new skills to work all around Alberta. Jennie is very excited to be part of the HOT family and loves to bring a sense of ease, fun, and relaxation to her classes while still challenging her student’s body and mind. Expect to be pushed, have fun, and probably hear some awesome music too!“I shut my eyes in order to see.” – Paul Gauguin

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"I find that yoga really centers me. Whenever I’m feeling upset, either teaching or practising  I find that yoga makes me feel great afterwards."

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